Resentment

Today, I am experiencing something that has been a long time in coming. It makes me hate myself. It makes me feel like a terrible person down deep inside my heart.

Resentment.

I sometimes wish that I was not a mother.

There it is; that's the ultimate secret in my heart these days. It has emerged from the blackest part of my heart. I hate myself for thinking these thoughts.

I personally believe that the only way to adequately deal with emotions is to feel through them and examine the root cause. For me, that's the only way for me to move on and move beyond things.

So, I am feeling this right now. I resent my son. And the shit of it: none of this is his fault. I never wanted to have children. And then I met my ex, we got married and something inside of my heart changed and it's all I wanted. I was thrilled to conceive my son! He was a child I prayed for. And then my ex left me while I was pregnant. So, there I was alone and pregnant. And for seven years, I have mothered my son mostly alone. True; I do get breaks from him when he goes to his dad's. But when he is in my care, he is with me.

I am tired. I am tired of cooking and cleaning. I am tired of throwing the football with him. I am tired of thinking of fun things to do. I am tired of going on said fun adventures where it's really just me packing up stuff, hauling stuff and telling my son to quite climbing on shit. I am tired of reading books at bedtime and waiting for him to fall asleep so I can spend time preparing for the next day by doing laundry, dishes, making lunches and picking up Legos off the couch so I can sit down. I am tired of him calling for me in the night and wanting me to go sleep with him. I am tired of being smashed between him and the wall for several hours of the night. I am so weary of this path I am on. He is not quite seven. There's eleven more years until he is 18 and (maybe?) moves out for college. I feel like it cannot go by fast enough.

You know what I am most tired of: I am most tired of not getting to do what I want when I want. And it is that specific selfish thought that leads to believe that I never should have had a child.

And dating someone who does NOT have children and does NOT have to be at someone's beck and call has simply amplified this resentment. After I spend time with this guy, I feel sorry for myself, for my life, for my responsibilities.

I don't want to hurt my son. My weariness has nothing to do with him as a specific person. It is all my own problems with my role in this season of life. But, I'm sick of hurting myself, too, by never feeling fulfilled. Where is the balance? How does life fit?

So, I sit here today feeling like a huge shit. Not wanting my life as it is, but wanting my life to be something else entirely.

Weirdness.

You know; things really aren’t quite what they may seem. Or, maybe I am a conspiracy theorist and always think that there’s undercurrents and deceptions. Takings things at face value is not my strong suite.

This morning with TDP felt … weird. We had a great evening last night. We went to dinner and talked for like over two hours. Went to a game store so he could buy some multisided dice for work. Went to my house. Watched a couple random youtube vids. Had some fun in bed. And stayed up late talking and joking and being silly. Never enough sleep for either of us. I think that we’re both rather tired today. Maybe that is why it was weird to me.

Mostly, this fling is probably on its way out. Which is gonna sort of suck because I really like hanging out with him.

Re-reading my previous blog posts makes me look like a bipolar woman. Up and down. Can’t decide her feelings. Doesn’t know what she wants. Doesn’t know where she’s going. So, whatever. Maybe I don’t know anything. Why is this so hard?

 

 

Mindfulness

Here’s a question that most of us have probably contemplated at least once in our lives: If today was your last day to live on this earth, what would you do?

I surely wouldn’t be at work today if it was the end of my life here. I would see loved ones and deeply share my feelings and love with them. I would go somewhere beautiful and marvel one last time at this astounding world we live in. I’d take in the shades of green of various plants and breath in this clean, sweet air. I’d wait for the sunset and enjoy the final wake up of the stars. I would be mindful of the cool air on my skin, the twinkle of stars in my eyes, the taste of a cup of coffee, the feel of my son’s hand in mine, the sound of his breath, and the smell of his soft hair. It would be all for that moment, my desire to take it all in would be focused and intense.

As Christians, we are told not to worry about tomorrow, to focus on the day we are living. But yet we are told that our only reward is beyond the grave and that is where we should place our hope. How in the world can I be mindful of the daily pleasures and chores but keep one eye on my future and place all my eggs in that yet-to-be-seen basket?

I think that as I age, my eyes want to stay on the here and now and see God working in the immediacy of everyday life. Because when I look around, I do see Him. I see so much; feel so much; hear so much; taste so much; smell so much. This world is a blend of delicious moments

I’m so sick of planning, wondering, foretelling, and generally trying to forecast the next day, the next month, the next year. I don’t want to have a 10 year plan.  I am exhausted of it.

As this summer is unfolding, I want to wake up each day with a childlike excitement to see what the day brings. My son does not wake dreading his days or dreading the future. He is not counting how many summer days he has until he starts school again. He is too busy relishing his now. No countdown needed. School will start; fall will come. But now. But now. But now.

May my now be my focus, captive to enjoy and suck the marrow. There is beauty. Chase it. Plans be damned. Today, I like my now.

Three Weeks In

Still having fun with the new “toy.”  But I think that the newness is going to wear off pretty quickly and this intense fling will fall by the wayside. He’s way too immature and carefree for me. Don’t get me wrong; I like to laugh, joke, be silly, act frivolous. I do. I spend a lot of my life laughing. But when someone asks me a serious question, I can give them a serious, thoughtful and legitimate answer. I’d like the same thing, but am often met with jokes and laughter. Perhaps I never realized that I do have a serious, intense and inquisitive side to my personality. Perhaps my deepness is more than I realized. I guess I am looking for a connection on a strong level.

 Or, maybe TDP is just really immature. Last night, he told me straight out that he’s just a big kid and growing up is overrated. Yes, that’s why you live at home and will never leave. Why leave a good thing?

Are there any men out there who are independent AND fun? I think I’m chasing a magical unicorn who lives on a rainbow with a jackalope. Doesn’t exist. Won’t find it.

 So, what’s a girl to do? He invited me to a party in a couple of weeks to meet his friends. I secured a sitter and actually am looking forward to it. I haven’t been to a party like that in such a long time. However, I have a feeling it’s going to be a bunch of drunk people being stupid. If so, I will simply exit early. I already went to college. I already acted stupid enough times in my life to know better. I guess I find that there’s a much more real part of life. Hopefully the party and his friends will surprise me! Hopefully we’ll make it the next two weeks to the party. I don’t know.

I think I’m going to be back looking for someone else here pretty soon. Humph. Just enjoying the ride until this peters out.

 

Dating is Like...

Trying on clothes. In the stores, cute outfits are put together. You think 'Oh, that looks great!' You try it on, it seems cute. You take it home. Maybe even wear it a time or two. And then you realize that while the article of clothing is adequate and maybe even nice fabric, it doesn't quite suit you.

And I don't think that my TDP suits me. But, if I am just looking to have someone fun to hang out and just looking to enjoy myself, who cares? If I am not seeking marriage or a long term, serious relationship, can't I just do whatever?

Except it does matter. And, I am beginning to wonder if deep down, I do want sometime serious and stable and long term. I sometimes I think I want someone to rescue me from whatever disaster I feel my life is. I guess I still want the knight in shining armor to swoop in on his horse and save me.

And TDP isn't the saving type. In fact, I think he is mostly the lazy type. The fact that he is creeping toward 37 years old and still lives at home BY CHOICE is weirding me out. Who does that? Who doesn't want their own space? I can accept roommates; I can accept renting. I can even accept living in a van down by the river. But voluntarily living with mom and dad when you're no longer in school seems lazy, insane, unacceptable, stupid, wack and immature. I thought that we were all supposed to grow up and leave the nest. I love having my own space. Why aren't others that way?

He's never going to grow up. I think he is lazy and immature. He is an adult child.

And when we talk or text, he rarely asks me "How was your day?" I know; maybe that is a selfish observation. Plus, I do volunteer information a lot. But, I'd like someone to care about my life, about my day, about what I've been up to. Is he missing that politeness? Or, maybe he just doesn't care.

But, I come back to the same question: If I don't want some serious LTR, why does it matter? I like him; we get along; we have similar humor; we laugh a lot; it's easy to be around him; the sex is great. Why isn't that enough?

I've never dated before without the end game being marriage. So, trying to NOT ask the question of "Is he husband material" is very difficult. I guess that my standards continue to be rather high. Online isn't the right place to have high standards.

All these musings have lead me to my ultimate question: What do I want?

Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak? Is casual dating a thing? If I met the right person, would I marry them? What the fuck am I doing? Should I be dating? How does all this fit together?

And I suddenly feel down and sad and lonely and overwhelmed again. This process is not easy. But it doesn't even feel like a process. A process is a series of steps that helps you arrive at a premeditated ending point. I don't know my ending point. I don't know my goals. So how in the world can I consider dating a process? A process to what?

I keep going back to the thing that I've been thinking since I started this mess. I want a funny, smart, nice guy to hang out with, do stuff with, spend some time with, have sex with. I'd like to be exclusive with him and him with me for STD/safety reasons. I want to text or talk to him on the days when we don't see each other. I want someone to share part of my life with and in turn, I want to share part of their life. I'm looking for a nice, kind, stable guy to be my boyfriend. I am so NOT in a place to be married again. Heck, the thought of introducing any man to my child fills me with anxiety.

How do I step back from the ledge of constantly thinking of marriage as the end-all-be-all and just enjoy whatever I got going on? How do we get preconceived notions out of our heads so that we can truly live in the here and now?

Because, if I am honest, TDP is awesome and he fits my "wants" list so well. He is funny, smart, sweet, generous, affectionate, passionate in bed, easy going, thoughtful. He also isn't really interested in marriage. He hasn't ruled it out for himself, but it's not his ultimate life goal. And if we are just hanging out and having fun, who cares if he lives with his parents? Does it matter for the relationship that is growing between us? No..it doesn't. It's not like his future is really a concern of mine if we're operating in the here-and-now.

Am I ever going to quite being fucking neurotic?

Finding The Time.

When you're a single mom with a child who lives with you most of the time and you work full time. and you have a house and family and friends and just general shit to do, it can be hard to find the time for a date, for a moment to text, for just to entertain a sane thought in your head. But, amazingly, there does seem to be time for me and my TDP to spend together.

Last night, he came over once my sweet son was asleep. We watched a movie, hung out, laughed, acted silly. It felt like a stolen moment together. Tonight, will be more of the same. Secret, stolen moments that really are feeding part of my life that is grossly malnourished.

I don't know where this is going to end up with us. Will I get sick of his silly ways and want someone who acts more mature? Will he get sick of working around my limited schedule? Or, will this work out for something long and sweet for both our lives? I think for now, I want and need to banish those future thoughts from my head. I want to believe in the right now-ness of this man and what is happened between us. It feels like something really magical.

What a cliche! Magical? You'd think I could select a more proper word. But magical does it. It is not explainable, seems other-worldly and defies logic.

I hope that this man doesn't break my heart.

Happy.

This week at work, a coworker asked me "Why are you so happy? What's with you?"

And you know what...I am happy. I feel satisfied and sated. I feel full and content. And it feels good.

Last night was low key. Dinner for TDP at Chick Fil A - his choice - Shakes at Sonic, just messing around, laughing and watching Ghostbusters fan films on youtube. Sounds incredibly nerdy, doesn't it? And I dig it. I dig just hanging out, talking, laughing, sharing, relaxing. I love that it's not some big production with him. I love that I can be my full self. And he likes it. He likes my full self.

Last night, I asked him if he was in a hurry for anything and he said no. We are not barreling toward the inevitable fate of marriage or some big serious thing. There's time. I am not a patient woman, but for now, I feel good to just enjoy the time we have together when we can have it. Time to laugh and share life.

My heart is happy today. Maybe I have found what I've been hoping for.