Seven Months In.

Amazing, still dating my TDP and it was seven months yesterday. He really is a wonderful man and I feel very lucky every single day that we met.

In the past months since I last blogged, we've grown closer, took a trip together (just the two of us), spent time with each other's families. We both celebrated our birthdays. We exchanged Christmas gifts. And we have spoken of the future together.

Things have been and continue to go so well. I have fallen completely in love. My son has fallen in love with him, too, and when the three of us spend time doing things, it is a feeling of wholeness I never have felt before. We have gone on day trips together, outside to play, out to eat and played so many board games together.

We continue to just enjoy the stage we are in. Seeing a long, happy future, but not rushing to get to some end-all-be-all moment. I love this part.

I'm extremely happy.

Been Busy Getting Busy

HA! Not really, but sort of.

Life and work have been busy the past couple of weeks. Tomorrow makes 2 months since I met TDP. Since then, we've met each other's friends, I met his parents and he met my son. Things are going right along...

I like his company so much. We continue to have many things to talk about, laugh about, discuss. We're never bored. I am surprised that the depth and silliness continues. We seem to be well suited to each other.

Last night, I invited him over to have dinner and watch American Ninja Warrior with my me and my son. Before the show, my son showed TDP all his transformers and they had a few minutes to talk about be alone while I finished dinner. I want to see if my boy and TDP get along without me. TDP is on his own here. Seems like everything went really well and my boy seems to really like him and told me "He's really cool." - Which in seven year old speak, is pretty good.

It feels pretty dangerous to integrate TDP too much at this point. Last night, I felt like a family which is both difficult and satisfying. Difficult because he isn't supposed to be the man of the house and satisfying because at the end of the day, maybe I really am like most other women wanting a home and a family.

And today, I just feel unsettled. Which I'm not sure why. On the outside, things are good. My house is (relatively) clean. My child is healthy and happy. My mom/sis/nephew are good and I've seen them recently. I am at work doing my job (mostly). I am here and showing up and feeling like myself. And I have a nice, helpful, thoughtful, intelligent, funny and good looking boyfriend who is successful and caring. Who likes me and my son. Who can take care of himself.

Maybe I need to just slow down and take more time. The past two months have turned my heart upside down, to be quite honest. I went from just looking for a FWB to finding someone who I am honestly falling for. I feel like I jumped into a raging river, swelling with spring runoff. I am just letting the currents take me, but I feel a bit of fight in me today. Do I really want to give myself up for this? Do I want the burden and the joy of loving another? Is my heart willing to actually open up my family and allow another? I'm just not there yet. Not now. Maybe not ever.

I need some time! This is hard! I need myself! I need some space! The speed of this current is scaring me.

Haiku

Ode To The Cat Shirt

 

He wears rad cat shirts.

Text a pic, gives me a lift.

You handsome man, you.

Even though he's out of town, TDP has been texting me and sending me pictures of various things he is doing, including one of himself this morning wearing a fun shirt. It inspired the above haiku. Just shows how thoughtful he is. Happy Hearts!

not actual shirt worn by TDP!

 

I'd Like to Retract That Statement

I was just reviewing some of my previous posts about TDP. I said that he was immature, and I was planning to look for someone new soon.

I'd like to fully retract that.

He and I have had some pretty deep, serious and intense discussions. He is deeper than I initially realized and is very caring and kin when I've shared some of my deep parts with him. Yes, he is silly and funny, but that's not all there is to him.

And as for looking for someone else? Let me make this clear: NOT INTERESTED.

:)

Went to A Garden Party...

TDP and I went to a party this past weekend. I didn't know a soul there except him. Nearly all of the people were old friends, the host in particular having known TDP since age 6. I was nervous and anxious, to be honest. I had flashbacks to awful events I had to attend with my ex where he'd take me in and dump me off to fend for myself. I am happy to report that TDP didn't do that. He stayed by my side the entire night. It was awesome.

Everyone was very nice and friendly. I felt comfortable. It was actually a pretty good time. And that's coming from a person who doesn't like parties!

The ex girlfriend was there. The moment I saw her, my first thought was "Oh, I got nothing to worry about!" She's a big hot mess of green glitter eye shadow and too-tall platform sandals.

Makes me do nothing except like him more. My like for this man is already pretty strong.

He's gone right now out of town until July 2. I am trying to be all positive about all the stuff I'm going to do while he's away, but honestly, I hate it. I am NEVER good at being away from people I care for, even for a short time. I won't see him again until next Thursday, July 3. No, I am not counting the days. No, I am not wanting time to pass quickly. No, of course not. All I know is that I miss him already and by the time he returns, I'm going to be beyond ready to see him. Something very special is happening.

And Then I Cried...

I haven't updated in a while and I do want to sort of keep a chronicle of my time with TDP.

I took last Friday off work to spend with him. We literally did nothing. We slept late, ate some food, watched YouTube and laid around. Literally did nothing. And, in the words of Peter in "Office Space," It was all I hoped it could be.

He came over last night after we both had long, tiring days at work. I was exhausted. Around 11pm after some sweet, slow love, we just were talking and he asked me if I was afraid he was going to leave. and I promptly became to cry. Not my proudest moment. And I said that no, I wasn't afraid of leaving. I know what to do when men leave. I'm a tough girl.

I told him I was afraid of him staying. Afraid of having to navigate a future that combines our lives. Afraid of introducing him to my son. Afraid of my son being hurt or damaged in some way. I am afraid of all the good things coming true or being real for me. Maybe, at the end of it, afraid of actually being happy and finding a place.

So, he saw some ugly tears and heard some honest things out of my mouth. He didn't run. He didn't get scared or uncomfortable. He was kind and calm. He listened. He responded. He encouraged. And then today, he asked me straight away "How are you feeling?"

I remember the beginning of the end with my ex. We'd experienced a miscarriage together about a year before my son was conceived. At the time, it was a very hard loss for me and really did change me as a woman. On that lost baby's due date, I asked my ex to go thru a very small box of mementos from that baby. I was nervous to ask him to share this intimate moment with me. But, I asked. And he told me no. So, I took my crushed spirit out into our yard alone that July 30 and went thru the box and remembered my baby alone. It showed me that my emotions were too strong and too overpowering for others to accept or handle. It showed me how unreasonable my feelings are. It showed me that I have to do manage myself alone. Those are all lies, I know in my head. But...TDP actually handled me by just being open to letting me be myself. And it was good.

I can honestly say that I've never really experienced what I did last night.

And, amazingly, he still wants to keep seeing me! Which shocks the pants off of me. (But makes me incredibly happy.)

This coming weekend is a party with his friends (!!) and then he is going out of town for about a week and a half. I am looking forward to getting some fucking sleep while he's gone!

Being Realistic

Things in this life take time. And patience. Oh, the dreaded “P” word. I am probably the world’s most impatient person. Well, at least in the top 10.

I feel like things are normalizing inside of my head finally with TDP. WHEW! What a crazy ride the past few weeks have been. I am glad to be sort of returning to some balanced state. Had an awesome weekend spending time with family, my son and TDP. (not all at the same time, however!!) One night, we watched a movie and the other night we played a board game. He’s into something called “Modern Designer Board Games.” I never knew such a thing existed. But, I love playing games, and it was a lot of fun! I hope we can do it more!!

In the weirdness of the universe, my sister works with one of this dude’s ex-girlfriends. And apparently they are still friends and spend some time together. And this party he invited me to next weekend…it’s this chick’s birthday party! GAH!! I asked him about this and he says that they are just friends and he never was really feeling it when they dated. But the story my sister gets from the ex is totally different and apparently TDP still have feelings for her. And she says that they hang out a lot. So…I’m not sure what to think but realize that the truth is probably somewhere in the center of those. I have no claims to this man, so I have decided to just believe him and keep going. Besides…who cares who he is friends with? I’m sure that he has more than one female friend.

I’m surprised at myself for being able to sort of let that go. In the past, I wouldn’t have. It would have consumed me. But, while I like TDP and enjoy him and our time together, he has no claim on my life. If he walks, he walks. Or, I can walk. I’m not seeing a bunch of potential for long term here. I am starting to sort of care about him, but in a pretty general way like a friend. I wish I could explain myself better. My intense feelings remain, but I feel a bit more level headed today. I guess I just can’t see this going anywhere permanent so that is making me more realistic.

Realistic is good.