And Then I Cried...

I haven't updated in a while and I do want to sort of keep a chronicle of my time with TDP.

I took last Friday off work to spend with him. We literally did nothing. We slept late, ate some food, watched YouTube and laid around. Literally did nothing. And, in the words of Peter in "Office Space," It was all I hoped it could be.

He came over last night after we both had long, tiring days at work. I was exhausted. Around 11pm after some sweet, slow love, we just were talking and he asked me if I was afraid he was going to leave. and I promptly became to cry. Not my proudest moment. And I said that no, I wasn't afraid of leaving. I know what to do when men leave. I'm a tough girl.

I told him I was afraid of him staying. Afraid of having to navigate a future that combines our lives. Afraid of introducing him to my son. Afraid of my son being hurt or damaged in some way. I am afraid of all the good things coming true or being real for me. Maybe, at the end of it, afraid of actually being happy and finding a place.

So, he saw some ugly tears and heard some honest things out of my mouth. He didn't run. He didn't get scared or uncomfortable. He was kind and calm. He listened. He responded. He encouraged. And then today, he asked me straight away "How are you feeling?"

I remember the beginning of the end with my ex. We'd experienced a miscarriage together about a year before my son was conceived. At the time, it was a very hard loss for me and really did change me as a woman. On that lost baby's due date, I asked my ex to go thru a very small box of mementos from that baby. I was nervous to ask him to share this intimate moment with me. But, I asked. And he told me no. So, I took my crushed spirit out into our yard alone that July 30 and went thru the box and remembered my baby alone. It showed me that my emotions were too strong and too overpowering for others to accept or handle. It showed me how unreasonable my feelings are. It showed me that I have to do manage myself alone. Those are all lies, I know in my head. But...TDP actually handled me by just being open to letting me be myself. And it was good.

I can honestly say that I've never really experienced what I did last night.

And, amazingly, he still wants to keep seeing me! Which shocks the pants off of me. (But makes me incredibly happy.)

This coming weekend is a party with his friends (!!) and then he is going out of town for about a week and a half. I am looking forward to getting some fucking sleep while he's gone!