The Mess I Got Myself Into AKA: Sleeping With an Acquaintance Whose Kid is Friends With Your Kid.

So, rather than easing myself back into dating, getting to know some people and getting my feet wet, I jumped into the pool fully clothed and wearing steel toed boots. To the bottom I sank. I had already befriended a man (Let’s call him Dude.) who was widowed semi-recently. We talked some, chatted some, texted some. I invited him over one night when my son was at sleeping at his dad’s. It was the first time Dude and I were alone, and we did it. Neither one of us wanted a relationship with the other, but here we were, doing the nasty all over my bed. It was fun, and there were honestly not any emotions involved. The only feeling present on either of our parts was WANT.

I had hoped that I’d found a nice friend that I could occasionally sleep with. No strings attached for either one of us. But the next day, he text dumped me. (As much as a no-strings-attached thing can be dumped.) He said he wasn't ready, and I realized that I was drowning with my boots on.

It wasn't so much that I wanted HIM in himself. He was nerdy and funny and tiny bit cute. A good guy to have as a friend. But he didn't have any of the qualities I had hoped for in my Plus One. I know it wasn't HIM I was looking for. But he felt so safe. Yet, you cannot help it if someone is just not interested. And after that first time, he just wasn't interested, and there was nothing I could do. And, if I am honest with myself, I wasn't all that interested either.

And yet, I cried. Several times. The rejection pierced me through the heart, and it hurt. And I bled and cried and mourned to yet again be unwanted. It was the same old story – you’re a great girl and I’d love to be your friend. I couldn't even get a nerdy, tall, skinny, pale, bony, awkward guy to screw me. My heart was in a very low place.

And so, I did what any normal woman would do: Facebook stalked, texted him after waiting a certain number of hours or days. Nothing ever came to fruition, and I had to consciously lay down my wants and hopes for anything between us. I should look elsewhere for what I crave. It isn't Dude that I want. I crave being known, being valuable to someone, being valued by someone, to be loved and to be called beautiful and be touched and kissed and to belong. At the end of the day, I am just like every other fucking woman in the universe. I just want to be told that I’m pretty and that someone loves me.  What a damn cliche.

What Exactly Am I After?

First, let me just put this out there: I am not looking to get married. Not now, not tomorrow and maybe not ever. If ever a day comes along that this is even a thought in my head, M will be long gone from home and well into his own adult life. I refuse to subject him to that. He has a dad whom he sees nearly every day. They are close. Our home is safe and stable, and I don’t want to go messing with that for each of us. We got a good thing going on.

And since I am being honest: I don’t ever want to have any more children. I know you think this: “You’re so young; there’s time; give M a little brother/sister/alien.” He already has a half brother. And a step brother. And a cousin. And gobs of friends. This uterus is closed for business. Being pregnant wasn't a dream the first time; I doubt that any subsequent times would improve the experience. And please, don’t make me go through the newborn sleep issues, the nursing every hour, the incessant toddler “why’s,” the potty training and all that again. Not me. No way. Not gonna happen. Once was plenty.

So, if I’m not interested in marriage or babies, what the heck am I doing?!? Here’s a brief list of what I thought I was looking for.

1. A non-married male who wants to hang out with me.

It sounds so freaking simple, doesn't it?

And where, oh where, could I find such a man?

I thought through everybody I knew…and made my first mistake on this hilarious road.

How I Got From Before To Now

Life is full of unexpected turns. Which is both a major cliché and a massive understatement. 

You never expected to get in a car accident that night. You never expected to slip on ice and sprain your wrist. You never expected ____. You fill in your own blank there. You know that there’s a whole lot that has happened that you never even saw coming.

The biggest surprise I ever got in my life thus far was when my husband of two years told me that he wanted a divorce. Add in the fact that I was a few months pregnant with our planned child and well, in the words of Clark Griswold, “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sown to the carpet, I couldn't be any more surprised than I am right now.”

Fast forward seven years.

I am in my mid-thirties now. I have a good job, I own my own home, and I am the mother to the most brilliant, shining son. His name is M. Being his mother is simply the joy of my life. I spent the first three years being extremely sleep deprived. Then, I spent a couple of years doing things like potty training, researching & visiting preschools and making chicken nuggets. My son is a bit older now, and I have personally reached a time in my own lift where my job and my friends and my family and my son just aren’t enough.

Now, I know that sounds like blasphemy.. Motherhood isn’t ENOUGH for you?!?! Shut your mouth! But, ladies, being a mother isn’t the end-all-be-all of existence. Before I was a mother, before I was a divorcee, before I was a wife, before I was a friend or a sister or even a woman, I was myself. And long after my precious child leaves home, I am going to remain myself. Motherhood is only one single part of a much larger whole.

And so, I decided in February 2014 to hop on my bike and ride on the most curvy and hilarious road: Looking for my Plus One.