The Mess I Got Myself Into AKA: Sleeping With an Acquaintance Whose Kid is Friends With Your Kid.

So, rather than easing myself back into dating, getting to know some people and getting my feet wet, I jumped into the pool fully clothed and wearing steel toed boots. To the bottom I sank. I had already befriended a man (Let’s call him Dude.) who was widowed semi-recently. We talked some, chatted some, texted some. I invited him over one night when my son was at sleeping at his dad’s. It was the first time Dude and I were alone, and we did it. Neither one of us wanted a relationship with the other, but here we were, doing the nasty all over my bed. It was fun, and there were honestly not any emotions involved. The only feeling present on either of our parts was WANT.

I had hoped that I’d found a nice friend that I could occasionally sleep with. No strings attached for either one of us. But the next day, he text dumped me. (As much as a no-strings-attached thing can be dumped.) He said he wasn't ready, and I realized that I was drowning with my boots on.

It wasn't so much that I wanted HIM in himself. He was nerdy and funny and tiny bit cute. A good guy to have as a friend. But he didn't have any of the qualities I had hoped for in my Plus One. I know it wasn't HIM I was looking for. But he felt so safe. Yet, you cannot help it if someone is just not interested. And after that first time, he just wasn't interested, and there was nothing I could do. And, if I am honest with myself, I wasn't all that interested either.

And yet, I cried. Several times. The rejection pierced me through the heart, and it hurt. And I bled and cried and mourned to yet again be unwanted. It was the same old story – you’re a great girl and I’d love to be your friend. I couldn't even get a nerdy, tall, skinny, pale, bony, awkward guy to screw me. My heart was in a very low place.

And so, I did what any normal woman would do: Facebook stalked, texted him after waiting a certain number of hours or days. Nothing ever came to fruition, and I had to consciously lay down my wants and hopes for anything between us. I should look elsewhere for what I crave. It isn't Dude that I want. I crave being known, being valuable to someone, being valued by someone, to be loved and to be called beautiful and be touched and kissed and to belong. At the end of the day, I am just like every other fucking woman in the universe. I just want to be told that I’m pretty and that someone loves me.  What a damn cliche.