Dating is Like...

Trying on clothes. In the stores, cute outfits are put together. You think 'Oh, that looks great!' You try it on, it seems cute. You take it home. Maybe even wear it a time or two. And then you realize that while the article of clothing is adequate and maybe even nice fabric, it doesn't quite suit you.

And I don't think that my TDP suits me. But, if I am just looking to have someone fun to hang out and just looking to enjoy myself, who cares? If I am not seeking marriage or a long term, serious relationship, can't I just do whatever?

Except it does matter. And, I am beginning to wonder if deep down, I do want sometime serious and stable and long term. I sometimes I think I want someone to rescue me from whatever disaster I feel my life is. I guess I still want the knight in shining armor to swoop in on his horse and save me.

And TDP isn't the saving type. In fact, I think he is mostly the lazy type. The fact that he is creeping toward 37 years old and still lives at home BY CHOICE is weirding me out. Who does that? Who doesn't want their own space? I can accept roommates; I can accept renting. I can even accept living in a van down by the river. But voluntarily living with mom and dad when you're no longer in school seems lazy, insane, unacceptable, stupid, wack and immature. I thought that we were all supposed to grow up and leave the nest. I love having my own space. Why aren't others that way?

He's never going to grow up. I think he is lazy and immature. He is an adult child.

And when we talk or text, he rarely asks me "How was your day?" I know; maybe that is a selfish observation. Plus, I do volunteer information a lot. But, I'd like someone to care about my life, about my day, about what I've been up to. Is he missing that politeness? Or, maybe he just doesn't care.

But, I come back to the same question: If I don't want some serious LTR, why does it matter? I like him; we get along; we have similar humor; we laugh a lot; it's easy to be around him; the sex is great. Why isn't that enough?

I've never dated before without the end game being marriage. So, trying to NOT ask the question of "Is he husband material" is very difficult. I guess that my standards continue to be rather high. Online isn't the right place to have high standards.

All these musings have lead me to my ultimate question: What do I want?

Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak? Is casual dating a thing? If I met the right person, would I marry them? What the fuck am I doing? Should I be dating? How does all this fit together?

And I suddenly feel down and sad and lonely and overwhelmed again. This process is not easy. But it doesn't even feel like a process. A process is a series of steps that helps you arrive at a premeditated ending point. I don't know my ending point. I don't know my goals. So how in the world can I consider dating a process? A process to what?

I keep going back to the thing that I've been thinking since I started this mess. I want a funny, smart, nice guy to hang out with, do stuff with, spend some time with, have sex with. I'd like to be exclusive with him and him with me for STD/safety reasons. I want to text or talk to him on the days when we don't see each other. I want someone to share part of my life with and in turn, I want to share part of their life. I'm looking for a nice, kind, stable guy to be my boyfriend. I am so NOT in a place to be married again. Heck, the thought of introducing any man to my child fills me with anxiety.

How do I step back from the ledge of constantly thinking of marriage as the end-all-be-all and just enjoy whatever I got going on? How do we get preconceived notions out of our heads so that we can truly live in the here and now?

Because, if I am honest, TDP is awesome and he fits my "wants" list so well. He is funny, smart, sweet, generous, affectionate, passionate in bed, easy going, thoughtful. He also isn't really interested in marriage. He hasn't ruled it out for himself, but it's not his ultimate life goal. And if we are just hanging out and having fun, who cares if he lives with his parents? Does it matter for the relationship that is growing between us? No..it doesn't. It's not like his future is really a concern of mine if we're operating in the here-and-now.

Am I ever going to quite being fucking neurotic?

Finding The Time.

When you're a single mom with a child who lives with you most of the time and you work full time. and you have a house and family and friends and just general shit to do, it can be hard to find the time for a date, for a moment to text, for just to entertain a sane thought in your head. But, amazingly, there does seem to be time for me and my TDP to spend together.

Last night, he came over once my sweet son was asleep. We watched a movie, hung out, laughed, acted silly. It felt like a stolen moment together. Tonight, will be more of the same. Secret, stolen moments that really are feeding part of my life that is grossly malnourished.

I don't know where this is going to end up with us. Will I get sick of his silly ways and want someone who acts more mature? Will he get sick of working around my limited schedule? Or, will this work out for something long and sweet for both our lives? I think for now, I want and need to banish those future thoughts from my head. I want to believe in the right now-ness of this man and what is happened between us. It feels like something really magical.

What a cliche! Magical? You'd think I could select a more proper word. But magical does it. It is not explainable, seems other-worldly and defies logic.

I hope that this man doesn't break my heart.

Happy.

This week at work, a coworker asked me "Why are you so happy? What's with you?"

And you know what...I am happy. I feel satisfied and sated. I feel full and content. And it feels good.

Last night was low key. Dinner for TDP at Chick Fil A - his choice - Shakes at Sonic, just messing around, laughing and watching Ghostbusters fan films on youtube. Sounds incredibly nerdy, doesn't it? And I dig it. I dig just hanging out, talking, laughing, sharing, relaxing. I love that it's not some big production with him. I love that I can be my full self. And he likes it. He likes my full self.

Last night, I asked him if he was in a hurry for anything and he said no. We are not barreling toward the inevitable fate of marriage or some big serious thing. There's time. I am not a patient woman, but for now, I feel good to just enjoy the time we have together when we can have it. Time to laugh and share life.

My heart is happy today. Maybe I have found what I've been hoping for.

Danger Zone

I’ve met someone great. I feel like there’s huge happy hearts dancing around inside my chest. I’ve spent an intense week seeing and texting with him. We’ve laughed a lot, talked a lot, kissed a lot. It has felt so good deep inside a place I forgot that I had. At work this week, someone even asked me, “What’s with you? Why are you so happy?” Apparently my cheerfulness knows no bounds.

Gonna see him tonight after a few days. I am sure of our mutual like and attraction. That feels great inside my ever doubting head. He actually likes me – not just for the physical stuff, but seems to like who I actually am as a woman. Oh, the validation!

 Tonight is just low key. Getting shakes and watching Shaun of the Dead once he gets off work. We’ll be at my house, even. I like low key. He seems to like low key. It feels right and good.

So why can’t I stop being so excited, nervous and nauseous!?!? No, I am not actually sick. Same thing happened last week before we had dinner. I was taking a shower and getting ready and felt like throwing up. Had to drink some Mylanta to even go on. So much stress I put on myself when really, it should not be this difficult. What am I afraid of?

 I am so afraid of being hurt. I am invested with TDP. I feel something for him. I feel something about spending time with him. I feel something deep down inside my heart. And it scares the shit out of me.

I am afraid of not being enough for someone. I am afraid of not being enough for myself. I am afraid of losing myself like I did when I was married and all I do is become someone who belongs to another instead of who I really am, the woman who belongs to herself. I am afraid of never finding balance between my life and what could be “our life” with someone. I am afraid of introducing my son to a man. What if said man does not like my son? What is my son does not like the man? How do these two parts of my life eventually fit together? Will they ever fit? And do I really need to even be thinking about this now? If it OK that my son doesn’t know what I do when we aren’t together?

I feel like I am leading a double life.  Most days, I am just an employee and a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister. I operate in those roles. I know those roles. They are familiar and safe. But this past week on several occasions, I got to operate in a new role: a woman, a lover, a girlfriend. I have felt alive, vibrant, sexy, beautiful, charming, funny, intelligent and special in this man’s arms and under his gaze. I am all of those things all of the time, but don’t always recognize them in myself. To be validated by another is intoxicating. This new thing feels very dangerous.

For now, I just want to lay down my nerves, my anticipation, my impatience, my wandering mind, my thinking of the future, my questions. I want to simply enjoy my moment NOW. I want NOW to be all that matters to me.

And...He's Married.

Title says it all. Jerk is married.

Been feeling in such turmoil over this I actually had to take the day off work.

In Pain

I'm in pain and can't sleep. No, it's not the pain you can just take a pill for and it goes away. This is pain deep down in my heart.

So, I had a "date" with the new guy. His name, let's say, is J. I put date in quotes because we spent six days texting each other in increasingly desperate moods. I just simply invited him over to my house. We went to bed together, and then laid there talking for 5 hours. About everything. About deep, important, emotional things. It was the most amazing connection I've ever had with a man. Yes, even counting my ex husband. It is like he just got me. Got what I was saying.

The next day, I text him because I hadn't heard from him. We have a somewhat weird and brief conversation. I hear NOTHING from him the whole rest of the day. Nothing the next day. I text again and ask him if he is over it or what. He texts something lame and then I don't hear from him again all day.

I gotta be honest. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of me. I can't do this. I guess I'm still just not ready. You'd think after seven years, I'd have some wisp of sanity. But no, I continue to be the fucked up, needy, intense woman I was before my divorce. Maybe if J and I hadn't spent six (6!!!) days texting each other all day long, I wouldn't be expecting anything from him. But we just text so much. and then, we make this great connection and I give him something special and he acts like every other fucking man in the entire fucking universe. And it hurts.

I made a mistake. I never should have invited him over. I never should have invited him into my bed. I never should have shared emotional things with him. I opened up part of my heart that had been locked closed for a long time. I can pinpoint the day that I locked my heart up. And I cracked the door last week. and you know what happened? The same fucking thing that I knew would -- he just took what he wanted and left.

he left. I am ignored. I am alone. I will always be alone. I am invisible. I am nothing. I am not special. I am no one. I am not worth it.

and so, this tape of lies plays in my head again and again and again. And I am sad. and hurt. and full of regret and shame over my own choices. How could I be so stupid to allow this?

It wasn't just about sex. I don't even care about it. It's about me sharing my heart with someone, being honest, being myself as fully as possible and being rejected. actually, no. Rejection would be easier to take. I'm being ignored. Just one time in my life I want to be worth someones effort. I want someone to try for me. I am so tired of being alone.

And so, tonight, I just hurt. And I'm not sure how to come back from this one. I feel weak and wounded. Normally, I am strong and confident. Tonight, I feel lost. I want more from this life. I hate this broken life, this shattered and bumpy path I'm walking on. I hate my path today. This isn't supposed to be my story. I am supposed to be married. I am supposed to be happy. I am supposed to be loved.

And, still I keen for the life I will never lead. Still keen and mourn over the loss of my marriage, loss of my dreams, loss of my other life. Still. Still. The pain of that part had become a whisper to me...One I had finally gotten over and rarely called to me. But, the old lies and pain are back with a vengeance. Depression is coming for me again. Sadness has snuck under the door.

I am sick of grief.

PS: Found this awesome article that fits what I'm thinking: Why Dating Sucks.

Date Anticipation

I have a date this coming Thursday with someone I've been emailing/texting with for about a month. Seems like a great guy. We are excited to meet each other to see if we have a connection.

I hate all the wondering! The anticipation is the best part and the worst part!! I hate waiting!