And I don't think that my TDP suits me. But, if I am just looking to have someone fun to hang out and just looking to enjoy myself, who cares? If I am not seeking marriage or a long term, serious relationship, can't I just do whatever?
Except it does matter. And, I am beginning to wonder if deep down, I do want sometime serious and stable and long term. I sometimes I think I want someone to rescue me from whatever disaster I feel my life is. I guess I still want the knight in shining armor to swoop in on his horse and save me.
And TDP isn't the saving type. In fact, I think he is mostly the lazy type. The fact that he is creeping toward 37 years old and still lives at home BY CHOICE is weirding me out. Who does that? Who doesn't want their own space? I can accept roommates; I can accept renting. I can even accept living in a van down by the river. But voluntarily living with mom and dad when you're no longer in school seems lazy, insane, unacceptable, stupid, wack and immature. I thought that we were all supposed to grow up and leave the nest. I love having my own space. Why aren't others that way?
He's never going to grow up. I think he is lazy and immature. He is an adult child.
And when we talk or text, he rarely asks me "How was your day?" I know; maybe that is a selfish observation. Plus, I do volunteer information a lot. But, I'd like someone to care about my life, about my day, about what I've been up to. Is he missing that politeness? Or, maybe he just doesn't care.
But, I come back to the same question: If I don't want some serious LTR, why does it matter? I like him; we get along; we have similar humor; we laugh a lot; it's easy to be around him; the sex is great. Why isn't that enough?
I've never dated before without the end game being marriage. So, trying to NOT ask the question of "Is he husband material" is very difficult. I guess that my standards continue to be rather high. Online isn't the right place to have high standards.
All these musings have lead me to my ultimate question: What do I want?
Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak? Is casual dating a thing? If I met the right person, would I marry them? What the fuck am I doing? Should I be dating? How does all this fit together?
And I suddenly feel down and sad and lonely and overwhelmed again. This process is not easy. But it doesn't even feel like a process. A process is a series of steps that helps you arrive at a premeditated ending point. I don't know my ending point. I don't know my goals. So how in the world can I consider dating a process? A process to what?
I keep going back to the thing that I've been thinking since I started this mess. I want a funny, smart, nice guy to hang out with, do stuff with, spend some time with, have sex with. I'd like to be exclusive with him and him with me for STD/safety reasons. I want to text or talk to him on the days when we don't see each other. I want someone to share part of my life with and in turn, I want to share part of their life. I'm looking for a nice, kind, stable guy to be my boyfriend. I am so NOT in a place to be married again. Heck, the thought of introducing any man to my child fills me with anxiety.
How do I step back from the ledge of constantly thinking of marriage as the end-all-be-all and just enjoy whatever I got going on? How do we get preconceived notions out of our heads so that we can truly live in the here and now?
Because, if I am honest, TDP is awesome and he fits my "wants" list so well. He is funny, smart, sweet, generous, affectionate, passionate in bed, easy going, thoughtful. He also isn't really interested in marriage. He hasn't ruled it out for himself, but it's not his ultimate life goal. And if we are just hanging out and having fun, who cares if he lives with his parents? Does it matter for the relationship that is growing between us? No..it doesn't. It's not like his future is really a concern of mine if we're operating in the here-and-now.
Am I ever going to quite being fucking neurotic?
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