In Pain

I'm in pain and can't sleep. No, it's not the pain you can just take a pill for and it goes away. This is pain deep down in my heart.

So, I had a "date" with the new guy. His name, let's say, is J. I put date in quotes because we spent six days texting each other in increasingly desperate moods. I just simply invited him over to my house. We went to bed together, and then laid there talking for 5 hours. About everything. About deep, important, emotional things. It was the most amazing connection I've ever had with a man. Yes, even counting my ex husband. It is like he just got me. Got what I was saying.

The next day, I text him because I hadn't heard from him. We have a somewhat weird and brief conversation. I hear NOTHING from him the whole rest of the day. Nothing the next day. I text again and ask him if he is over it or what. He texts something lame and then I don't hear from him again all day.

I gotta be honest. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of me. I can't do this. I guess I'm still just not ready. You'd think after seven years, I'd have some wisp of sanity. But no, I continue to be the fucked up, needy, intense woman I was before my divorce. Maybe if J and I hadn't spent six (6!!!) days texting each other all day long, I wouldn't be expecting anything from him. But we just text so much. and then, we make this great connection and I give him something special and he acts like every other fucking man in the entire fucking universe. And it hurts.

I made a mistake. I never should have invited him over. I never should have invited him into my bed. I never should have shared emotional things with him. I opened up part of my heart that had been locked closed for a long time. I can pinpoint the day that I locked my heart up. And I cracked the door last week. and you know what happened? The same fucking thing that I knew would -- he just took what he wanted and left.

he left. I am ignored. I am alone. I will always be alone. I am invisible. I am nothing. I am not special. I am no one. I am not worth it.

and so, this tape of lies plays in my head again and again and again. And I am sad. and hurt. and full of regret and shame over my own choices. How could I be so stupid to allow this?

It wasn't just about sex. I don't even care about it. It's about me sharing my heart with someone, being honest, being myself as fully as possible and being rejected. actually, no. Rejection would be easier to take. I'm being ignored. Just one time in my life I want to be worth someones effort. I want someone to try for me. I am so tired of being alone.

And so, tonight, I just hurt. And I'm not sure how to come back from this one. I feel weak and wounded. Normally, I am strong and confident. Tonight, I feel lost. I want more from this life. I hate this broken life, this shattered and bumpy path I'm walking on. I hate my path today. This isn't supposed to be my story. I am supposed to be married. I am supposed to be happy. I am supposed to be loved.

And, still I keen for the life I will never lead. Still keen and mourn over the loss of my marriage, loss of my dreams, loss of my other life. Still. Still. The pain of that part had become a whisper to me...One I had finally gotten over and rarely called to me. But, the old lies and pain are back with a vengeance. Depression is coming for me again. Sadness has snuck under the door.

I am sick of grief.

PS: Found this awesome article that fits what I'm thinking: Why Dating Sucks.