Danger Zone

I’ve met someone great. I feel like there’s huge happy hearts dancing around inside my chest. I’ve spent an intense week seeing and texting with him. We’ve laughed a lot, talked a lot, kissed a lot. It has felt so good deep inside a place I forgot that I had. At work this week, someone even asked me, “What’s with you? Why are you so happy?” Apparently my cheerfulness knows no bounds.

Gonna see him tonight after a few days. I am sure of our mutual like and attraction. That feels great inside my ever doubting head. He actually likes me – not just for the physical stuff, but seems to like who I actually am as a woman. Oh, the validation!

 Tonight is just low key. Getting shakes and watching Shaun of the Dead once he gets off work. We’ll be at my house, even. I like low key. He seems to like low key. It feels right and good.

So why can’t I stop being so excited, nervous and nauseous!?!? No, I am not actually sick. Same thing happened last week before we had dinner. I was taking a shower and getting ready and felt like throwing up. Had to drink some Mylanta to even go on. So much stress I put on myself when really, it should not be this difficult. What am I afraid of?

 I am so afraid of being hurt. I am invested with TDP. I feel something for him. I feel something about spending time with him. I feel something deep down inside my heart. And it scares the shit out of me.

I am afraid of not being enough for someone. I am afraid of not being enough for myself. I am afraid of losing myself like I did when I was married and all I do is become someone who belongs to another instead of who I really am, the woman who belongs to herself. I am afraid of never finding balance between my life and what could be “our life” with someone. I am afraid of introducing my son to a man. What if said man does not like my son? What is my son does not like the man? How do these two parts of my life eventually fit together? Will they ever fit? And do I really need to even be thinking about this now? If it OK that my son doesn’t know what I do when we aren’t together?

I feel like I am leading a double life.  Most days, I am just an employee and a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister. I operate in those roles. I know those roles. They are familiar and safe. But this past week on several occasions, I got to operate in a new role: a woman, a lover, a girlfriend. I have felt alive, vibrant, sexy, beautiful, charming, funny, intelligent and special in this man’s arms and under his gaze. I am all of those things all of the time, but don’t always recognize them in myself. To be validated by another is intoxicating. This new thing feels very dangerous.

For now, I just want to lay down my nerves, my anticipation, my impatience, my wandering mind, my thinking of the future, my questions. I want to simply enjoy my moment NOW. I want NOW to be all that matters to me.