Haiku

Ode To The Cat Shirt

 

He wears rad cat shirts.

Text a pic, gives me a lift.

You handsome man, you.

Even though he's out of town, TDP has been texting me and sending me pictures of various things he is doing, including one of himself this morning wearing a fun shirt. It inspired the above haiku. Just shows how thoughtful he is. Happy Hearts!

not actual shirt worn by TDP!

 

I'd Like to Retract That Statement

I was just reviewing some of my previous posts about TDP. I said that he was immature, and I was planning to look for someone new soon.

I'd like to fully retract that.

He and I have had some pretty deep, serious and intense discussions. He is deeper than I initially realized and is very caring and kin when I've shared some of my deep parts with him. Yes, he is silly and funny, but that's not all there is to him.

And as for looking for someone else? Let me make this clear: NOT INTERESTED.

:)

Went to A Garden Party...

TDP and I went to a party this past weekend. I didn't know a soul there except him. Nearly all of the people were old friends, the host in particular having known TDP since age 6. I was nervous and anxious, to be honest. I had flashbacks to awful events I had to attend with my ex where he'd take me in and dump me off to fend for myself. I am happy to report that TDP didn't do that. He stayed by my side the entire night. It was awesome.

Everyone was very nice and friendly. I felt comfortable. It was actually a pretty good time. And that's coming from a person who doesn't like parties!

The ex girlfriend was there. The moment I saw her, my first thought was "Oh, I got nothing to worry about!" She's a big hot mess of green glitter eye shadow and too-tall platform sandals.

Makes me do nothing except like him more. My like for this man is already pretty strong.

He's gone right now out of town until July 2. I am trying to be all positive about all the stuff I'm going to do while he's away, but honestly, I hate it. I am NEVER good at being away from people I care for, even for a short time. I won't see him again until next Thursday, July 3. No, I am not counting the days. No, I am not wanting time to pass quickly. No, of course not. All I know is that I miss him already and by the time he returns, I'm going to be beyond ready to see him. Something very special is happening.

And Then I Cried...

I haven't updated in a while and I do want to sort of keep a chronicle of my time with TDP.

I took last Friday off work to spend with him. We literally did nothing. We slept late, ate some food, watched YouTube and laid around. Literally did nothing. And, in the words of Peter in "Office Space," It was all I hoped it could be.

He came over last night after we both had long, tiring days at work. I was exhausted. Around 11pm after some sweet, slow love, we just were talking and he asked me if I was afraid he was going to leave. and I promptly became to cry. Not my proudest moment. And I said that no, I wasn't afraid of leaving. I know what to do when men leave. I'm a tough girl.

I told him I was afraid of him staying. Afraid of having to navigate a future that combines our lives. Afraid of introducing him to my son. Afraid of my son being hurt or damaged in some way. I am afraid of all the good things coming true or being real for me. Maybe, at the end of it, afraid of actually being happy and finding a place.

So, he saw some ugly tears and heard some honest things out of my mouth. He didn't run. He didn't get scared or uncomfortable. He was kind and calm. He listened. He responded. He encouraged. And then today, he asked me straight away "How are you feeling?"

I remember the beginning of the end with my ex. We'd experienced a miscarriage together about a year before my son was conceived. At the time, it was a very hard loss for me and really did change me as a woman. On that lost baby's due date, I asked my ex to go thru a very small box of mementos from that baby. I was nervous to ask him to share this intimate moment with me. But, I asked. And he told me no. So, I took my crushed spirit out into our yard alone that July 30 and went thru the box and remembered my baby alone. It showed me that my emotions were too strong and too overpowering for others to accept or handle. It showed me how unreasonable my feelings are. It showed me that I have to do manage myself alone. Those are all lies, I know in my head. But...TDP actually handled me by just being open to letting me be myself. And it was good.

I can honestly say that I've never really experienced what I did last night.

And, amazingly, he still wants to keep seeing me! Which shocks the pants off of me. (But makes me incredibly happy.)

This coming weekend is a party with his friends (!!) and then he is going out of town for about a week and a half. I am looking forward to getting some fucking sleep while he's gone!

Being Realistic

Things in this life take time. And patience. Oh, the dreaded “P” word. I am probably the world’s most impatient person. Well, at least in the top 10.

I feel like things are normalizing inside of my head finally with TDP. WHEW! What a crazy ride the past few weeks have been. I am glad to be sort of returning to some balanced state. Had an awesome weekend spending time with family, my son and TDP. (not all at the same time, however!!) One night, we watched a movie and the other night we played a board game. He’s into something called “Modern Designer Board Games.” I never knew such a thing existed. But, I love playing games, and it was a lot of fun! I hope we can do it more!!

In the weirdness of the universe, my sister works with one of this dude’s ex-girlfriends. And apparently they are still friends and spend some time together. And this party he invited me to next weekend…it’s this chick’s birthday party! GAH!! I asked him about this and he says that they are just friends and he never was really feeling it when they dated. But the story my sister gets from the ex is totally different and apparently TDP still have feelings for her. And she says that they hang out a lot. So…I’m not sure what to think but realize that the truth is probably somewhere in the center of those. I have no claims to this man, so I have decided to just believe him and keep going. Besides…who cares who he is friends with? I’m sure that he has more than one female friend.

I’m surprised at myself for being able to sort of let that go. In the past, I wouldn’t have. It would have consumed me. But, while I like TDP and enjoy him and our time together, he has no claim on my life. If he walks, he walks. Or, I can walk. I’m not seeing a bunch of potential for long term here. I am starting to sort of care about him, but in a pretty general way like a friend. I wish I could explain myself better. My intense feelings remain, but I feel a bit more level headed today. I guess I just can’t see this going anywhere permanent so that is making me more realistic.

Realistic is good.

 

Resentment

Today, I am experiencing something that has been a long time in coming. It makes me hate myself. It makes me feel like a terrible person down deep inside my heart.

Resentment.

I sometimes wish that I was not a mother.

There it is; that's the ultimate secret in my heart these days. It has emerged from the blackest part of my heart. I hate myself for thinking these thoughts.

I personally believe that the only way to adequately deal with emotions is to feel through them and examine the root cause. For me, that's the only way for me to move on and move beyond things.

So, I am feeling this right now. I resent my son. And the shit of it: none of this is his fault. I never wanted to have children. And then I met my ex, we got married and something inside of my heart changed and it's all I wanted. I was thrilled to conceive my son! He was a child I prayed for. And then my ex left me while I was pregnant. So, there I was alone and pregnant. And for seven years, I have mothered my son mostly alone. True; I do get breaks from him when he goes to his dad's. But when he is in my care, he is with me.

I am tired. I am tired of cooking and cleaning. I am tired of throwing the football with him. I am tired of thinking of fun things to do. I am tired of going on said fun adventures where it's really just me packing up stuff, hauling stuff and telling my son to quite climbing on shit. I am tired of reading books at bedtime and waiting for him to fall asleep so I can spend time preparing for the next day by doing laundry, dishes, making lunches and picking up Legos off the couch so I can sit down. I am tired of him calling for me in the night and wanting me to go sleep with him. I am tired of being smashed between him and the wall for several hours of the night. I am so weary of this path I am on. He is not quite seven. There's eleven more years until he is 18 and (maybe?) moves out for college. I feel like it cannot go by fast enough.

You know what I am most tired of: I am most tired of not getting to do what I want when I want. And it is that specific selfish thought that leads to believe that I never should have had a child.

And dating someone who does NOT have children and does NOT have to be at someone's beck and call has simply amplified this resentment. After I spend time with this guy, I feel sorry for myself, for my life, for my responsibilities.

I don't want to hurt my son. My weariness has nothing to do with him as a specific person. It is all my own problems with my role in this season of life. But, I'm sick of hurting myself, too, by never feeling fulfilled. Where is the balance? How does life fit?

So, I sit here today feeling like a huge shit. Not wanting my life as it is, but wanting my life to be something else entirely.

Weirdness.

You know; things really aren’t quite what they may seem. Or, maybe I am a conspiracy theorist and always think that there’s undercurrents and deceptions. Takings things at face value is not my strong suite.

This morning with TDP felt … weird. We had a great evening last night. We went to dinner and talked for like over two hours. Went to a game store so he could buy some multisided dice for work. Went to my house. Watched a couple random youtube vids. Had some fun in bed. And stayed up late talking and joking and being silly. Never enough sleep for either of us. I think that we’re both rather tired today. Maybe that is why it was weird to me.

Mostly, this fling is probably on its way out. Which is gonna sort of suck because I really like hanging out with him.

Re-reading my previous blog posts makes me look like a bipolar woman. Up and down. Can’t decide her feelings. Doesn’t know what she wants. Doesn’t know where she’s going. So, whatever. Maybe I don’t know anything. Why is this so hard?

 

 

Mindfulness

Here’s a question that most of us have probably contemplated at least once in our lives: If today was your last day to live on this earth, what would you do?

I surely wouldn’t be at work today if it was the end of my life here. I would see loved ones and deeply share my feelings and love with them. I would go somewhere beautiful and marvel one last time at this astounding world we live in. I’d take in the shades of green of various plants and breath in this clean, sweet air. I’d wait for the sunset and enjoy the final wake up of the stars. I would be mindful of the cool air on my skin, the twinkle of stars in my eyes, the taste of a cup of coffee, the feel of my son’s hand in mine, the sound of his breath, and the smell of his soft hair. It would be all for that moment, my desire to take it all in would be focused and intense.

As Christians, we are told not to worry about tomorrow, to focus on the day we are living. But yet we are told that our only reward is beyond the grave and that is where we should place our hope. How in the world can I be mindful of the daily pleasures and chores but keep one eye on my future and place all my eggs in that yet-to-be-seen basket?

I think that as I age, my eyes want to stay on the here and now and see God working in the immediacy of everyday life. Because when I look around, I do see Him. I see so much; feel so much; hear so much; taste so much; smell so much. This world is a blend of delicious moments

I’m so sick of planning, wondering, foretelling, and generally trying to forecast the next day, the next month, the next year. I don’t want to have a 10 year plan.  I am exhausted of it.

As this summer is unfolding, I want to wake up each day with a childlike excitement to see what the day brings. My son does not wake dreading his days or dreading the future. He is not counting how many summer days he has until he starts school again. He is too busy relishing his now. No countdown needed. School will start; fall will come. But now. But now. But now.

May my now be my focus, captive to enjoy and suck the marrow. There is beauty. Chase it. Plans be damned. Today, I like my now.

Three Weeks In

Still having fun with the new “toy.”  But I think that the newness is going to wear off pretty quickly and this intense fling will fall by the wayside. He’s way too immature and carefree for me. Don’t get me wrong; I like to laugh, joke, be silly, act frivolous. I do. I spend a lot of my life laughing. But when someone asks me a serious question, I can give them a serious, thoughtful and legitimate answer. I’d like the same thing, but am often met with jokes and laughter. Perhaps I never realized that I do have a serious, intense and inquisitive side to my personality. Perhaps my deepness is more than I realized. I guess I am looking for a connection on a strong level.

 Or, maybe TDP is just really immature. Last night, he told me straight out that he’s just a big kid and growing up is overrated. Yes, that’s why you live at home and will never leave. Why leave a good thing?

Are there any men out there who are independent AND fun? I think I’m chasing a magical unicorn who lives on a rainbow with a jackalope. Doesn’t exist. Won’t find it.

 So, what’s a girl to do? He invited me to a party in a couple of weeks to meet his friends. I secured a sitter and actually am looking forward to it. I haven’t been to a party like that in such a long time. However, I have a feeling it’s going to be a bunch of drunk people being stupid. If so, I will simply exit early. I already went to college. I already acted stupid enough times in my life to know better. I guess I find that there’s a much more real part of life. Hopefully the party and his friends will surprise me! Hopefully we’ll make it the next two weeks to the party. I don’t know.

I think I’m going to be back looking for someone else here pretty soon. Humph. Just enjoying the ride until this peters out.