Seven Months In.

Amazing, still dating my TDP and it was seven months yesterday. He really is a wonderful man and I feel very lucky every single day that we met.

In the past months since I last blogged, we've grown closer, took a trip together (just the two of us), spent time with each other's families. We both celebrated our birthdays. We exchanged Christmas gifts. And we have spoken of the future together.

Things have been and continue to go so well. I have fallen completely in love. My son has fallen in love with him, too, and when the three of us spend time doing things, it is a feeling of wholeness I never have felt before. We have gone on day trips together, outside to play, out to eat and played so many board games together.

We continue to just enjoy the stage we are in. Seeing a long, happy future, but not rushing to get to some end-all-be-all moment. I love this part.

I'm extremely happy.

Been Busy Getting Busy

HA! Not really, but sort of.

Life and work have been busy the past couple of weeks. Tomorrow makes 2 months since I met TDP. Since then, we've met each other's friends, I met his parents and he met my son. Things are going right along...

I like his company so much. We continue to have many things to talk about, laugh about, discuss. We're never bored. I am surprised that the depth and silliness continues. We seem to be well suited to each other.

Last night, I invited him over to have dinner and watch American Ninja Warrior with my me and my son. Before the show, my son showed TDP all his transformers and they had a few minutes to talk about be alone while I finished dinner. I want to see if my boy and TDP get along without me. TDP is on his own here. Seems like everything went really well and my boy seems to really like him and told me "He's really cool." - Which in seven year old speak, is pretty good.

It feels pretty dangerous to integrate TDP too much at this point. Last night, I felt like a family which is both difficult and satisfying. Difficult because he isn't supposed to be the man of the house and satisfying because at the end of the day, maybe I really am like most other women wanting a home and a family.

And today, I just feel unsettled. Which I'm not sure why. On the outside, things are good. My house is (relatively) clean. My child is healthy and happy. My mom/sis/nephew are good and I've seen them recently. I am at work doing my job (mostly). I am here and showing up and feeling like myself. And I have a nice, helpful, thoughtful, intelligent, funny and good looking boyfriend who is successful and caring. Who likes me and my son. Who can take care of himself.

Maybe I need to just slow down and take more time. The past two months have turned my heart upside down, to be quite honest. I went from just looking for a FWB to finding someone who I am honestly falling for. I feel like I jumped into a raging river, swelling with spring runoff. I am just letting the currents take me, but I feel a bit of fight in me today. Do I really want to give myself up for this? Do I want the burden and the joy of loving another? Is my heart willing to actually open up my family and allow another? I'm just not there yet. Not now. Maybe not ever.

I need some time! This is hard! I need myself! I need some space! The speed of this current is scaring me.

Haiku

Ode To The Cat Shirt

 

He wears rad cat shirts.

Text a pic, gives me a lift.

You handsome man, you.

Even though he's out of town, TDP has been texting me and sending me pictures of various things he is doing, including one of himself this morning wearing a fun shirt. It inspired the above haiku. Just shows how thoughtful he is. Happy Hearts!

not actual shirt worn by TDP!

 

I'd Like to Retract That Statement

I was just reviewing some of my previous posts about TDP. I said that he was immature, and I was planning to look for someone new soon.

I'd like to fully retract that.

He and I have had some pretty deep, serious and intense discussions. He is deeper than I initially realized and is very caring and kin when I've shared some of my deep parts with him. Yes, he is silly and funny, but that's not all there is to him.

And as for looking for someone else? Let me make this clear: NOT INTERESTED.

:)

Went to A Garden Party...

TDP and I went to a party this past weekend. I didn't know a soul there except him. Nearly all of the people were old friends, the host in particular having known TDP since age 6. I was nervous and anxious, to be honest. I had flashbacks to awful events I had to attend with my ex where he'd take me in and dump me off to fend for myself. I am happy to report that TDP didn't do that. He stayed by my side the entire night. It was awesome.

Everyone was very nice and friendly. I felt comfortable. It was actually a pretty good time. And that's coming from a person who doesn't like parties!

The ex girlfriend was there. The moment I saw her, my first thought was "Oh, I got nothing to worry about!" She's a big hot mess of green glitter eye shadow and too-tall platform sandals.

Makes me do nothing except like him more. My like for this man is already pretty strong.

He's gone right now out of town until July 2. I am trying to be all positive about all the stuff I'm going to do while he's away, but honestly, I hate it. I am NEVER good at being away from people I care for, even for a short time. I won't see him again until next Thursday, July 3. No, I am not counting the days. No, I am not wanting time to pass quickly. No, of course not. All I know is that I miss him already and by the time he returns, I'm going to be beyond ready to see him. Something very special is happening.

And Then I Cried...

I haven't updated in a while and I do want to sort of keep a chronicle of my time with TDP.

I took last Friday off work to spend with him. We literally did nothing. We slept late, ate some food, watched YouTube and laid around. Literally did nothing. And, in the words of Peter in "Office Space," It was all I hoped it could be.

He came over last night after we both had long, tiring days at work. I was exhausted. Around 11pm after some sweet, slow love, we just were talking and he asked me if I was afraid he was going to leave. and I promptly became to cry. Not my proudest moment. And I said that no, I wasn't afraid of leaving. I know what to do when men leave. I'm a tough girl.

I told him I was afraid of him staying. Afraid of having to navigate a future that combines our lives. Afraid of introducing him to my son. Afraid of my son being hurt or damaged in some way. I am afraid of all the good things coming true or being real for me. Maybe, at the end of it, afraid of actually being happy and finding a place.

So, he saw some ugly tears and heard some honest things out of my mouth. He didn't run. He didn't get scared or uncomfortable. He was kind and calm. He listened. He responded. He encouraged. And then today, he asked me straight away "How are you feeling?"

I remember the beginning of the end with my ex. We'd experienced a miscarriage together about a year before my son was conceived. At the time, it was a very hard loss for me and really did change me as a woman. On that lost baby's due date, I asked my ex to go thru a very small box of mementos from that baby. I was nervous to ask him to share this intimate moment with me. But, I asked. And he told me no. So, I took my crushed spirit out into our yard alone that July 30 and went thru the box and remembered my baby alone. It showed me that my emotions were too strong and too overpowering for others to accept or handle. It showed me how unreasonable my feelings are. It showed me that I have to do manage myself alone. Those are all lies, I know in my head. But...TDP actually handled me by just being open to letting me be myself. And it was good.

I can honestly say that I've never really experienced what I did last night.

And, amazingly, he still wants to keep seeing me! Which shocks the pants off of me. (But makes me incredibly happy.)

This coming weekend is a party with his friends (!!) and then he is going out of town for about a week and a half. I am looking forward to getting some fucking sleep while he's gone!

Being Realistic

Things in this life take time. And patience. Oh, the dreaded “P” word. I am probably the world’s most impatient person. Well, at least in the top 10.

I feel like things are normalizing inside of my head finally with TDP. WHEW! What a crazy ride the past few weeks have been. I am glad to be sort of returning to some balanced state. Had an awesome weekend spending time with family, my son and TDP. (not all at the same time, however!!) One night, we watched a movie and the other night we played a board game. He’s into something called “Modern Designer Board Games.” I never knew such a thing existed. But, I love playing games, and it was a lot of fun! I hope we can do it more!!

In the weirdness of the universe, my sister works with one of this dude’s ex-girlfriends. And apparently they are still friends and spend some time together. And this party he invited me to next weekend…it’s this chick’s birthday party! GAH!! I asked him about this and he says that they are just friends and he never was really feeling it when they dated. But the story my sister gets from the ex is totally different and apparently TDP still have feelings for her. And she says that they hang out a lot. So…I’m not sure what to think but realize that the truth is probably somewhere in the center of those. I have no claims to this man, so I have decided to just believe him and keep going. Besides…who cares who he is friends with? I’m sure that he has more than one female friend.

I’m surprised at myself for being able to sort of let that go. In the past, I wouldn’t have. It would have consumed me. But, while I like TDP and enjoy him and our time together, he has no claim on my life. If he walks, he walks. Or, I can walk. I’m not seeing a bunch of potential for long term here. I am starting to sort of care about him, but in a pretty general way like a friend. I wish I could explain myself better. My intense feelings remain, but I feel a bit more level headed today. I guess I just can’t see this going anywhere permanent so that is making me more realistic.

Realistic is good.

 

Resentment

Today, I am experiencing something that has been a long time in coming. It makes me hate myself. It makes me feel like a terrible person down deep inside my heart.

Resentment.

I sometimes wish that I was not a mother.

There it is; that's the ultimate secret in my heart these days. It has emerged from the blackest part of my heart. I hate myself for thinking these thoughts.

I personally believe that the only way to adequately deal with emotions is to feel through them and examine the root cause. For me, that's the only way for me to move on and move beyond things.

So, I am feeling this right now. I resent my son. And the shit of it: none of this is his fault. I never wanted to have children. And then I met my ex, we got married and something inside of my heart changed and it's all I wanted. I was thrilled to conceive my son! He was a child I prayed for. And then my ex left me while I was pregnant. So, there I was alone and pregnant. And for seven years, I have mothered my son mostly alone. True; I do get breaks from him when he goes to his dad's. But when he is in my care, he is with me.

I am tired. I am tired of cooking and cleaning. I am tired of throwing the football with him. I am tired of thinking of fun things to do. I am tired of going on said fun adventures where it's really just me packing up stuff, hauling stuff and telling my son to quite climbing on shit. I am tired of reading books at bedtime and waiting for him to fall asleep so I can spend time preparing for the next day by doing laundry, dishes, making lunches and picking up Legos off the couch so I can sit down. I am tired of him calling for me in the night and wanting me to go sleep with him. I am tired of being smashed between him and the wall for several hours of the night. I am so weary of this path I am on. He is not quite seven. There's eleven more years until he is 18 and (maybe?) moves out for college. I feel like it cannot go by fast enough.

You know what I am most tired of: I am most tired of not getting to do what I want when I want. And it is that specific selfish thought that leads to believe that I never should have had a child.

And dating someone who does NOT have children and does NOT have to be at someone's beck and call has simply amplified this resentment. After I spend time with this guy, I feel sorry for myself, for my life, for my responsibilities.

I don't want to hurt my son. My weariness has nothing to do with him as a specific person. It is all my own problems with my role in this season of life. But, I'm sick of hurting myself, too, by never feeling fulfilled. Where is the balance? How does life fit?

So, I sit here today feeling like a huge shit. Not wanting my life as it is, but wanting my life to be something else entirely.

Weirdness.

You know; things really aren’t quite what they may seem. Or, maybe I am a conspiracy theorist and always think that there’s undercurrents and deceptions. Takings things at face value is not my strong suite.

This morning with TDP felt … weird. We had a great evening last night. We went to dinner and talked for like over two hours. Went to a game store so he could buy some multisided dice for work. Went to my house. Watched a couple random youtube vids. Had some fun in bed. And stayed up late talking and joking and being silly. Never enough sleep for either of us. I think that we’re both rather tired today. Maybe that is why it was weird to me.

Mostly, this fling is probably on its way out. Which is gonna sort of suck because I really like hanging out with him.

Re-reading my previous blog posts makes me look like a bipolar woman. Up and down. Can’t decide her feelings. Doesn’t know what she wants. Doesn’t know where she’s going. So, whatever. Maybe I don’t know anything. Why is this so hard?

 

 

Mindfulness

Here’s a question that most of us have probably contemplated at least once in our lives: If today was your last day to live on this earth, what would you do?

I surely wouldn’t be at work today if it was the end of my life here. I would see loved ones and deeply share my feelings and love with them. I would go somewhere beautiful and marvel one last time at this astounding world we live in. I’d take in the shades of green of various plants and breath in this clean, sweet air. I’d wait for the sunset and enjoy the final wake up of the stars. I would be mindful of the cool air on my skin, the twinkle of stars in my eyes, the taste of a cup of coffee, the feel of my son’s hand in mine, the sound of his breath, and the smell of his soft hair. It would be all for that moment, my desire to take it all in would be focused and intense.

As Christians, we are told not to worry about tomorrow, to focus on the day we are living. But yet we are told that our only reward is beyond the grave and that is where we should place our hope. How in the world can I be mindful of the daily pleasures and chores but keep one eye on my future and place all my eggs in that yet-to-be-seen basket?

I think that as I age, my eyes want to stay on the here and now and see God working in the immediacy of everyday life. Because when I look around, I do see Him. I see so much; feel so much; hear so much; taste so much; smell so much. This world is a blend of delicious moments

I’m so sick of planning, wondering, foretelling, and generally trying to forecast the next day, the next month, the next year. I don’t want to have a 10 year plan.  I am exhausted of it.

As this summer is unfolding, I want to wake up each day with a childlike excitement to see what the day brings. My son does not wake dreading his days or dreading the future. He is not counting how many summer days he has until he starts school again. He is too busy relishing his now. No countdown needed. School will start; fall will come. But now. But now. But now.

May my now be my focus, captive to enjoy and suck the marrow. There is beauty. Chase it. Plans be damned. Today, I like my now.

Three Weeks In

Still having fun with the new “toy.”  But I think that the newness is going to wear off pretty quickly and this intense fling will fall by the wayside. He’s way too immature and carefree for me. Don’t get me wrong; I like to laugh, joke, be silly, act frivolous. I do. I spend a lot of my life laughing. But when someone asks me a serious question, I can give them a serious, thoughtful and legitimate answer. I’d like the same thing, but am often met with jokes and laughter. Perhaps I never realized that I do have a serious, intense and inquisitive side to my personality. Perhaps my deepness is more than I realized. I guess I am looking for a connection on a strong level.

 Or, maybe TDP is just really immature. Last night, he told me straight out that he’s just a big kid and growing up is overrated. Yes, that’s why you live at home and will never leave. Why leave a good thing?

Are there any men out there who are independent AND fun? I think I’m chasing a magical unicorn who lives on a rainbow with a jackalope. Doesn’t exist. Won’t find it.

 So, what’s a girl to do? He invited me to a party in a couple of weeks to meet his friends. I secured a sitter and actually am looking forward to it. I haven’t been to a party like that in such a long time. However, I have a feeling it’s going to be a bunch of drunk people being stupid. If so, I will simply exit early. I already went to college. I already acted stupid enough times in my life to know better. I guess I find that there’s a much more real part of life. Hopefully the party and his friends will surprise me! Hopefully we’ll make it the next two weeks to the party. I don’t know.

I think I’m going to be back looking for someone else here pretty soon. Humph. Just enjoying the ride until this peters out.

 

Dating is Like...

Trying on clothes. In the stores, cute outfits are put together. You think 'Oh, that looks great!' You try it on, it seems cute. You take it home. Maybe even wear it a time or two. And then you realize that while the article of clothing is adequate and maybe even nice fabric, it doesn't quite suit you.

And I don't think that my TDP suits me. But, if I am just looking to have someone fun to hang out and just looking to enjoy myself, who cares? If I am not seeking marriage or a long term, serious relationship, can't I just do whatever?

Except it does matter. And, I am beginning to wonder if deep down, I do want sometime serious and stable and long term. I sometimes I think I want someone to rescue me from whatever disaster I feel my life is. I guess I still want the knight in shining armor to swoop in on his horse and save me.

And TDP isn't the saving type. In fact, I think he is mostly the lazy type. The fact that he is creeping toward 37 years old and still lives at home BY CHOICE is weirding me out. Who does that? Who doesn't want their own space? I can accept roommates; I can accept renting. I can even accept living in a van down by the river. But voluntarily living with mom and dad when you're no longer in school seems lazy, insane, unacceptable, stupid, wack and immature. I thought that we were all supposed to grow up and leave the nest. I love having my own space. Why aren't others that way?

He's never going to grow up. I think he is lazy and immature. He is an adult child.

And when we talk or text, he rarely asks me "How was your day?" I know; maybe that is a selfish observation. Plus, I do volunteer information a lot. But, I'd like someone to care about my life, about my day, about what I've been up to. Is he missing that politeness? Or, maybe he just doesn't care.

But, I come back to the same question: If I don't want some serious LTR, why does it matter? I like him; we get along; we have similar humor; we laugh a lot; it's easy to be around him; the sex is great. Why isn't that enough?

I've never dated before without the end game being marriage. So, trying to NOT ask the question of "Is he husband material" is very difficult. I guess that my standards continue to be rather high. Online isn't the right place to have high standards.

All these musings have lead me to my ultimate question: What do I want?

Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak? Is casual dating a thing? If I met the right person, would I marry them? What the fuck am I doing? Should I be dating? How does all this fit together?

And I suddenly feel down and sad and lonely and overwhelmed again. This process is not easy. But it doesn't even feel like a process. A process is a series of steps that helps you arrive at a premeditated ending point. I don't know my ending point. I don't know my goals. So how in the world can I consider dating a process? A process to what?

I keep going back to the thing that I've been thinking since I started this mess. I want a funny, smart, nice guy to hang out with, do stuff with, spend some time with, have sex with. I'd like to be exclusive with him and him with me for STD/safety reasons. I want to text or talk to him on the days when we don't see each other. I want someone to share part of my life with and in turn, I want to share part of their life. I'm looking for a nice, kind, stable guy to be my boyfriend. I am so NOT in a place to be married again. Heck, the thought of introducing any man to my child fills me with anxiety.

How do I step back from the ledge of constantly thinking of marriage as the end-all-be-all and just enjoy whatever I got going on? How do we get preconceived notions out of our heads so that we can truly live in the here and now?

Because, if I am honest, TDP is awesome and he fits my "wants" list so well. He is funny, smart, sweet, generous, affectionate, passionate in bed, easy going, thoughtful. He also isn't really interested in marriage. He hasn't ruled it out for himself, but it's not his ultimate life goal. And if we are just hanging out and having fun, who cares if he lives with his parents? Does it matter for the relationship that is growing between us? No..it doesn't. It's not like his future is really a concern of mine if we're operating in the here-and-now.

Am I ever going to quite being fucking neurotic?

Finding The Time.

When you're a single mom with a child who lives with you most of the time and you work full time. and you have a house and family and friends and just general shit to do, it can be hard to find the time for a date, for a moment to text, for just to entertain a sane thought in your head. But, amazingly, there does seem to be time for me and my TDP to spend together.

Last night, he came over once my sweet son was asleep. We watched a movie, hung out, laughed, acted silly. It felt like a stolen moment together. Tonight, will be more of the same. Secret, stolen moments that really are feeding part of my life that is grossly malnourished.

I don't know where this is going to end up with us. Will I get sick of his silly ways and want someone who acts more mature? Will he get sick of working around my limited schedule? Or, will this work out for something long and sweet for both our lives? I think for now, I want and need to banish those future thoughts from my head. I want to believe in the right now-ness of this man and what is happened between us. It feels like something really magical.

What a cliche! Magical? You'd think I could select a more proper word. But magical does it. It is not explainable, seems other-worldly and defies logic.

I hope that this man doesn't break my heart.

Happy.

This week at work, a coworker asked me "Why are you so happy? What's with you?"

And you know what...I am happy. I feel satisfied and sated. I feel full and content. And it feels good.

Last night was low key. Dinner for TDP at Chick Fil A - his choice - Shakes at Sonic, just messing around, laughing and watching Ghostbusters fan films on youtube. Sounds incredibly nerdy, doesn't it? And I dig it. I dig just hanging out, talking, laughing, sharing, relaxing. I love that it's not some big production with him. I love that I can be my full self. And he likes it. He likes my full self.

Last night, I asked him if he was in a hurry for anything and he said no. We are not barreling toward the inevitable fate of marriage or some big serious thing. There's time. I am not a patient woman, but for now, I feel good to just enjoy the time we have together when we can have it. Time to laugh and share life.

My heart is happy today. Maybe I have found what I've been hoping for.

Danger Zone

I’ve met someone great. I feel like there’s huge happy hearts dancing around inside my chest. I’ve spent an intense week seeing and texting with him. We’ve laughed a lot, talked a lot, kissed a lot. It has felt so good deep inside a place I forgot that I had. At work this week, someone even asked me, “What’s with you? Why are you so happy?” Apparently my cheerfulness knows no bounds.

Gonna see him tonight after a few days. I am sure of our mutual like and attraction. That feels great inside my ever doubting head. He actually likes me – not just for the physical stuff, but seems to like who I actually am as a woman. Oh, the validation!

 Tonight is just low key. Getting shakes and watching Shaun of the Dead once he gets off work. We’ll be at my house, even. I like low key. He seems to like low key. It feels right and good.

So why can’t I stop being so excited, nervous and nauseous!?!? No, I am not actually sick. Same thing happened last week before we had dinner. I was taking a shower and getting ready and felt like throwing up. Had to drink some Mylanta to even go on. So much stress I put on myself when really, it should not be this difficult. What am I afraid of?

 I am so afraid of being hurt. I am invested with TDP. I feel something for him. I feel something about spending time with him. I feel something deep down inside my heart. And it scares the shit out of me.

I am afraid of not being enough for someone. I am afraid of not being enough for myself. I am afraid of losing myself like I did when I was married and all I do is become someone who belongs to another instead of who I really am, the woman who belongs to herself. I am afraid of never finding balance between my life and what could be “our life” with someone. I am afraid of introducing my son to a man. What if said man does not like my son? What is my son does not like the man? How do these two parts of my life eventually fit together? Will they ever fit? And do I really need to even be thinking about this now? If it OK that my son doesn’t know what I do when we aren’t together?

I feel like I am leading a double life.  Most days, I am just an employee and a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister. I operate in those roles. I know those roles. They are familiar and safe. But this past week on several occasions, I got to operate in a new role: a woman, a lover, a girlfriend. I have felt alive, vibrant, sexy, beautiful, charming, funny, intelligent and special in this man’s arms and under his gaze. I am all of those things all of the time, but don’t always recognize them in myself. To be validated by another is intoxicating. This new thing feels very dangerous.

For now, I just want to lay down my nerves, my anticipation, my impatience, my wandering mind, my thinking of the future, my questions. I want to simply enjoy my moment NOW. I want NOW to be all that matters to me.

And...He's Married.

Title says it all. Jerk is married.

Been feeling in such turmoil over this I actually had to take the day off work.

In Pain

I'm in pain and can't sleep. No, it's not the pain you can just take a pill for and it goes away. This is pain deep down in my heart.

So, I had a "date" with the new guy. His name, let's say, is J. I put date in quotes because we spent six days texting each other in increasingly desperate moods. I just simply invited him over to my house. We went to bed together, and then laid there talking for 5 hours. About everything. About deep, important, emotional things. It was the most amazing connection I've ever had with a man. Yes, even counting my ex husband. It is like he just got me. Got what I was saying.

The next day, I text him because I hadn't heard from him. We have a somewhat weird and brief conversation. I hear NOTHING from him the whole rest of the day. Nothing the next day. I text again and ask him if he is over it or what. He texts something lame and then I don't hear from him again all day.

I gotta be honest. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of me. I can't do this. I guess I'm still just not ready. You'd think after seven years, I'd have some wisp of sanity. But no, I continue to be the fucked up, needy, intense woman I was before my divorce. Maybe if J and I hadn't spent six (6!!!) days texting each other all day long, I wouldn't be expecting anything from him. But we just text so much. and then, we make this great connection and I give him something special and he acts like every other fucking man in the entire fucking universe. And it hurts.

I made a mistake. I never should have invited him over. I never should have invited him into my bed. I never should have shared emotional things with him. I opened up part of my heart that had been locked closed for a long time. I can pinpoint the day that I locked my heart up. And I cracked the door last week. and you know what happened? The same fucking thing that I knew would -- he just took what he wanted and left.

he left. I am ignored. I am alone. I will always be alone. I am invisible. I am nothing. I am not special. I am no one. I am not worth it.

and so, this tape of lies plays in my head again and again and again. And I am sad. and hurt. and full of regret and shame over my own choices. How could I be so stupid to allow this?

It wasn't just about sex. I don't even care about it. It's about me sharing my heart with someone, being honest, being myself as fully as possible and being rejected. actually, no. Rejection would be easier to take. I'm being ignored. Just one time in my life I want to be worth someones effort. I want someone to try for me. I am so tired of being alone.

And so, tonight, I just hurt. And I'm not sure how to come back from this one. I feel weak and wounded. Normally, I am strong and confident. Tonight, I feel lost. I want more from this life. I hate this broken life, this shattered and bumpy path I'm walking on. I hate my path today. This isn't supposed to be my story. I am supposed to be married. I am supposed to be happy. I am supposed to be loved.

And, still I keen for the life I will never lead. Still keen and mourn over the loss of my marriage, loss of my dreams, loss of my other life. Still. Still. The pain of that part had become a whisper to me...One I had finally gotten over and rarely called to me. But, the old lies and pain are back with a vengeance. Depression is coming for me again. Sadness has snuck under the door.

I am sick of grief.

PS: Found this awesome article that fits what I'm thinking: Why Dating Sucks.

Date Anticipation

I have a date this coming Thursday with someone I've been emailing/texting with for about a month. Seems like a great guy. We are excited to meet each other to see if we have a connection.

I hate all the wondering! The anticipation is the best part and the worst part!! I hate waiting!

Guys with Records

No, I'm not talking about hotties with old school turn tables and a box of LP's. I'm talking about dudes with criminal records.

I spent about a week talking with a nice guy - let's call him Bryce. He was divorced and had apparently fallen on hard times. He was living at home with his mother. He is 35. He had no job, no car, no prospects. He told me it was embarrassing to admit that he'd lost it all. I asked about his kids and he said that he never sees them and doesn't even know how to contact them.

Right.

Every single thing that he told me should have told me that he was not someone to continue talking to. I should have shut the door. But, no, being nice, we kept talking. I thought for a bit about what in the world would have caused him to lose everything. I asked him if he'd ever been arrested. Yes. If he'd ever been to jail. Yes. Then, I asked the all important, "What'd you do?" and he jokingly said "I killed a bunch of people; ya happy!?"

No, I wasn't happy. Have a nice life, Bryce!

In the future - stop talking to someone with no job, no car, no house, no future, no prospects, no ambition. And if he has a record, RUN, unless it's of a really cool band.

The Problem With FWB

FWB.

Friends with Benefits. Fuck Buddies. A Hook Up.

This person in your life goes beyond a one night stand. They're a reoccuring person you can turn to when you need some making out or sex without all the strings attached to an actual romantic relationship. I'm sure that many people have had a person like this in their life at one time.

I've got one now. Strangely, we aren't really even friends yet having met in the online mecca of dating websites. We talked about a week, I went to his house, we did the deed, talked a while, and I went home. It was the best sex I've ever had, to be honest. And the fact that I got to go home to my own bed, sleep all night and wake up refreshed was wonderful. All the glow of sex without any of the head ache of the morning after weirdness.

But then the problem comes in. Do you text? Call? Email? Say nothing? Lucky for me, my guy contacted me the next day straight away. Good to rehash that we both had an excellent time and when could we maybe get together again. And the next day came and we were both busy and then the next day with nothing. And I began to wonder...is he really into me?

And then all the stupid "girl" questions started running through my head. Did he like it? Did he like ME? Was I sexy enough? Is he going to make an effort to see me again? Should I text him? Why doesn't he text me? Is this going somewhere?

And shit, if I didn't place my FWB guy into the same relationship peg as every other guy. And I mentally had to decide that no, I don't want that. I truly don't want a traditional relationship with this guy. It would never work. We both know that, but find the other interested and attractive so.... We're both consenting adults.

So, what's the problem?

Is it because I'm a Scorpio and prone to possessiveness and jealous rages? Is it because I've been cheated on and don't want to feel betrayed again by anybody? Is it because casual sex doesn't really exist? Or maybe I was just out of practice. I hadn't had a FWB in 15 years, and looking back at that guy, I didn't do so well staying casual with him either. Maybe I am truly not capable of being casual about things. Am I just too intense?

So, this blog posts resolves nothing. I have had these questions and thoughts running through my head all day today. Maybe I really do need to just turn down my cell, read my book and get a good night's sleep. After all, I'm not in a relationship with this guy and I have my whole entire life to live.

I realized today that I was much happier before I started trying to make myself happy and fulfill some desires I have.

PS: This article clears it up...Friend With Benefits or Something Else?

Hot Guy...Disgusting House

You meet a nice guy...well, he seems nice over email and text. Remember, we are in a virtual world right now. You even drive an hour to meet him. He has nice pictures. He's 50 and looks a little rock and roll with some gorgeous black hair, green eyes and tall. Did I mention the tattoos? Delicious.

You go into his house and disappointment abounds. It was like walking into a slum. He has cats and has never been married and you realize that those two facts matter. Let's not even try to describe the bathroom. I don't even want to remember I was in that room of this house.

Now, I get clutter; I get messy. What I don't get is unsanitary. Oh Lord. It was horrendous.

So, here is my list of how to determine if a man is messy or tidy before you meet him in person.

Let's start out on an even playing field. Let's start with 25 on a scale of 1 - 50 with 1 being pretty mess and 50 being pretty tidy.

If he has one cat, subtract 5 points.

He has a lot of cats...more than this.

If he has more than one cat, subtract 15 points.
If he has never been married, subtract 15 points.
If he is artistic, musical or brooding, subtract 10 points.
If he doesn't have kids, subtract 5 points.
If he's a night owl, subtract 3 points.

If he runs marathons, add 5 points.
If he is in the military, add 15 points.
If he has kids, add 5 points.
If he gets up early, add 3 points.
If he likes to cook, add 5 points.

So, you can see that some determination can be made before entering the home as to if this is a "safe" zone or not.

Messy or not: that delicious 50 year old man was the best thing that I've ever had before.

Top 10 Things I Wish They Knew

Today, I feel like most men are douche bags.

The men I have been "meeting" online lately are mostly asking for nude or dirty pictures or asking me insane questions like "So, how many guys here have seen your tits." It is ridiculous. But, I feel like the dating site I am on is a train wreck, yet I cannot pry my eyes away.

Here is what I wish the men on the dating site knew about me:

1. I have a brain, and I use it. I am smart. Probably smarter than you.

2. If you ask me straight up for a dirty pic, our conversation is over, and you're getting blocked.

3. Yes, sometimes, I am OK to talk about sex, but only after we've chatted about some more neutral subjects. Please keep it clean and respectful.

4. If you have a picture of yourself shirtless on your profile, I will laugh at you, maybe admire your muscles and tattoos and PASS YOU BY. Keep your shirts on, you vain dorks!

5. Just because I say I don't want anything serious does NOT mean that I'm down to just fuck any guy who offers. Because I am not a whore. Read that again: I am not a whore. If you want a female to do things with you and/or to you, best to just hire one. Why, you ask? See #1 of this list.

6. If you are unemployed, living in your parent's house or are an ex-con, this probably won't work out.

7. I do have feelings. Don't act like a dick.

8. If you have any type of grammatical or spelling errors in your profile, I will pass you by. Boom. No exceptions. Get a tutor.

9. If you have a picture of yourself throwing up deuces or a picture of your car/motorcycle/boat/etc on your profile, I will also ignore you and think bad thoughts.

10. If you have the balls to write me a message, I will respond. I will consider you. Promise.

The Mess I Got Myself Into AKA: Sleeping With an Acquaintance Whose Kid is Friends With Your Kid.

So, rather than easing myself back into dating, getting to know some people and getting my feet wet, I jumped into the pool fully clothed and wearing steel toed boots. To the bottom I sank. I had already befriended a man (Let’s call him Dude.) who was widowed semi-recently. We talked some, chatted some, texted some. I invited him over one night when my son was at sleeping at his dad’s. It was the first time Dude and I were alone, and we did it. Neither one of us wanted a relationship with the other, but here we were, doing the nasty all over my bed. It was fun, and there were honestly not any emotions involved. The only feeling present on either of our parts was WANT.

I had hoped that I’d found a nice friend that I could occasionally sleep with. No strings attached for either one of us. But the next day, he text dumped me. (As much as a no-strings-attached thing can be dumped.) He said he wasn't ready, and I realized that I was drowning with my boots on.

It wasn't so much that I wanted HIM in himself. He was nerdy and funny and tiny bit cute. A good guy to have as a friend. But he didn't have any of the qualities I had hoped for in my Plus One. I know it wasn't HIM I was looking for. But he felt so safe. Yet, you cannot help it if someone is just not interested. And after that first time, he just wasn't interested, and there was nothing I could do. And, if I am honest with myself, I wasn't all that interested either.

And yet, I cried. Several times. The rejection pierced me through the heart, and it hurt. And I bled and cried and mourned to yet again be unwanted. It was the same old story – you’re a great girl and I’d love to be your friend. I couldn't even get a nerdy, tall, skinny, pale, bony, awkward guy to screw me. My heart was in a very low place.

And so, I did what any normal woman would do: Facebook stalked, texted him after waiting a certain number of hours or days. Nothing ever came to fruition, and I had to consciously lay down my wants and hopes for anything between us. I should look elsewhere for what I crave. It isn't Dude that I want. I crave being known, being valuable to someone, being valued by someone, to be loved and to be called beautiful and be touched and kissed and to belong. At the end of the day, I am just like every other fucking woman in the universe. I just want to be told that I’m pretty and that someone loves me.  What a damn cliche.

What Exactly Am I After?

First, let me just put this out there: I am not looking to get married. Not now, not tomorrow and maybe not ever. If ever a day comes along that this is even a thought in my head, M will be long gone from home and well into his own adult life. I refuse to subject him to that. He has a dad whom he sees nearly every day. They are close. Our home is safe and stable, and I don’t want to go messing with that for each of us. We got a good thing going on.

And since I am being honest: I don’t ever want to have any more children. I know you think this: “You’re so young; there’s time; give M a little brother/sister/alien.” He already has a half brother. And a step brother. And a cousin. And gobs of friends. This uterus is closed for business. Being pregnant wasn't a dream the first time; I doubt that any subsequent times would improve the experience. And please, don’t make me go through the newborn sleep issues, the nursing every hour, the incessant toddler “why’s,” the potty training and all that again. Not me. No way. Not gonna happen. Once was plenty.

So, if I’m not interested in marriage or babies, what the heck am I doing?!? Here’s a brief list of what I thought I was looking for.

1. A non-married male who wants to hang out with me.

It sounds so freaking simple, doesn't it?

And where, oh where, could I find such a man?

I thought through everybody I knew…and made my first mistake on this hilarious road.

How I Got From Before To Now

Life is full of unexpected turns. Which is both a major cliché and a massive understatement. 

You never expected to get in a car accident that night. You never expected to slip on ice and sprain your wrist. You never expected ____. You fill in your own blank there. You know that there’s a whole lot that has happened that you never even saw coming.

The biggest surprise I ever got in my life thus far was when my husband of two years told me that he wanted a divorce. Add in the fact that I was a few months pregnant with our planned child and well, in the words of Clark Griswold, “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sown to the carpet, I couldn't be any more surprised than I am right now.”

Fast forward seven years.

I am in my mid-thirties now. I have a good job, I own my own home, and I am the mother to the most brilliant, shining son. His name is M. Being his mother is simply the joy of my life. I spent the first three years being extremely sleep deprived. Then, I spent a couple of years doing things like potty training, researching & visiting preschools and making chicken nuggets. My son is a bit older now, and I have personally reached a time in my own lift where my job and my friends and my family and my son just aren’t enough.

Now, I know that sounds like blasphemy.. Motherhood isn’t ENOUGH for you?!?! Shut your mouth! But, ladies, being a mother isn’t the end-all-be-all of existence. Before I was a mother, before I was a divorcee, before I was a wife, before I was a friend or a sister or even a woman, I was myself. And long after my precious child leaves home, I am going to remain myself. Motherhood is only one single part of a much larger whole.

And so, I decided in February 2014 to hop on my bike and ride on the most curvy and hilarious road: Looking for my Plus One.